Rely on Each Other - Ah Ah
Sorry if you now have “Islands in the Stream” stuck in your head but this song has been playing in my mind on a loop for weeks. RELY. Such a short word with such powerful meaning. When you rely on someone, you are giving up your control to another person. If you think about it, that’s HUGE. “Rely” is also my word for 2021. I know we’re halfway through the first month of the year already but it’s been a crazy couple weeks so I am just now getting around to this post.
My blog has taken a back seat recently, along with so many other things. There are events happening in my personal life that are taking precedence. I know I am usually an open book, er, blog, when it comes to such things, but this time I can’t be because I am protecting the privacy of others.
That brings me back to “rely”. Wow, that’s a hard thing for me. I don’t do it well. I am a control freak. And when I can’t control, I shut down. I am shutting down like one of those metal gates on a mall storefront right now. Everyday, I try to open the store back up, but it is getting harder and harder to do on my own. And so I must learn to rely.
Right now, I am relying on my sister-from-another-mister, Kelly, to take care of my beloved Ava and the house while I am away helping family. I am also relying on her, my sister-sister, family, and some dear friends for much needed emotional support. I am going through a lot right now and I sometimes cry for seemingly no reason. The other day, I was six minutes late for my hair appointment so I cried from the time I was placed under the dryer, all the way through my shampoo. That was gloriously humiliating. Fortunately, I have been going to this salon and seeing this stylist for quite some time, so he talked me through it and even made me laugh. I can always rely on Clay for that.
I also find myself relying on my managers and coworkers more. I hate leaving my work for someone else. I am a perfectionist. I, by no means, am the only person who can do my job well. However, I have been doing my job for a long time, and…it’s mine. To take time off, or to not be fully present at work, especially during an accountant’s most hectic time of year, is to have to rely on others to pick up my slack. I don’t do slack. Except, now I do.
And now I have to rely on people for one more thing. When I keep shutting that gate to the storefront, I need someone to help me open it. The reason I cry during hair appointments is that I don’t feel. I know. It’s confusing. My last post I talked about how I feel in a big way. But, you see, that’s the problem. Feeling big is scary as hell. People like me who feel big take a lot of time and energy NOT to feel big. I know, right?! Showing feelings in a powerful and noticeable way is criticized. Think about it. Ever said someone was being “dramatic” when he or she showed emotion in public? Or even in private? I know I have. Pot, meet kettle.
Here’s the thing. It’s hard to feel. It hard to not feel. Because being human is hard. It just is. That’s why we have to rely on each other (ah, ah) to help us, collectively, be better humans, capable of dealing with life as we know it, or life as we don’t know it yet.
