I Forgot to Pee

Say what? Yes, you read that right. Forgetting to pee, eat, move, and not acknowledging the world around you: these are all consequences of hyperfocus, an often undiscussed (and unofficial) symptom of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).

A few years ago I had a doctor tell me he felt I had a touch of ADHD, something I had never heard in all my life, despite all of the doctors I have seen for depression and anxiety, and the multitude of providers assigned to diagnose and treat my thyroid cancer in my late twenties. I mean, I’ve seen a lot of doctors in my life. The diagnosis wasn’t something I gave much thought at the time but, looking back, I see all the signs.

During my school years, my mom would get frustrated with me for having the TV on while I was doing homework. She didn’t get how I could do homework with the distraction of the television. Well, for me it wasn’t a distraction, it was a way to maintain focus. I know it’s counterintuitive but it’s the way I was then and it’s the way I am now. Working from home this last year, I have had the TV on all day, every day. There were a couple days last year when my former television broke that I didn’t have it on (obviously), and they were tortuous. I did turn on the radio and that helped but it wasn’t the same. At the office, there are others around and there is always chatter, and I can’t work without it. I do occasionally plug in my headphones and listen to music or a podcast while working, but mostly I need that outside activity to keep me going. I tune it out, but it grounds me at the same time. Doesn’t quite make sense, which is basically the theme song of the Life of Me.

While all that chatter is happening, I work. And work. And work. And I kind of forget there is something going on outside of that. I always knew I tended to be hyperfocused, but it really hit me how bad it is when I was staying with my parents last month. I was working at their kitchen counter, right smack dab in the middle of the house, while my Dad was watching TV and/or snoring, my Mom was puttering around, cleaning this and that, and the phone was ringing (the landline at their house rings a LOT, mostly spam calls). I would sit at the counter, start working and then my Mom would appear across the kitchen counter from me and ask if I wanted lunch. “Lunch?” I would think. “Like, it’s 10 am. No, I don’t want lunch.” Then I’d realize I had to pee. Then I’d realize it was noon, not 10 am, and not only did I have to pee but, damn, was I hungry.

Oftentimes, when coming up for air after being hyperfocused for a time, I realize that I had a thought some time ago that I was hungry (or thirsty or had to pee). Maybe it was an hour ago or two hours ago: I have no idea because I have been hyperfocused on the task at hand. The thought would flit into my mind and then flit away because I could do “one more thing” before I head to the kitchen/bathroom or to get the mail or to make a call. If I can just finish this reconciliation, then I can insert-activity-here. Then I finish that reconciliation but while I was doing it, I remember that I wanted to update a schedule so I can just “do that really quickly” before I insert-activity-here. Then while I was updating the schedule…and you see how this goes. Suddenly, my bladder is about to pop, I am so thirsty my tongue is dry, and I realize I haven’t eaten and it’s way past lunch.

I think I pull myself into this hyperfocus mode to combat my natural inclination to live the life of distraction: the “squirrel syndrome”. There was an animated movie – which I don’t actually think I ever saw – where a dog would get distracted from his conversation or task because he saw a squirrel. I feel that so much. When Apollo was alive, he would leave the kitchen when I cooked and hide in the back room. I am a decent cook, but I tend to get distracted while cooking. Like the stuff is on the stove but then I see that there are dishes that need washed or there is something on the counter that needs wiped up, and before you know it, I am in the living room looking for a recipe on my phone because the spot on the counter reminded me of that Pinterest post I saw the week before and I’ve forgotten about the stuff on the stove. And if I got the bacon out…poor Apollo was in the backyard, as far from the house as he could get. I like my bacon crispy, like just this side of burnt. It takes some time to get to that point so you can imagine all the things I can get into while bacon is on the stove. I’ve set off many a fire alarm when cooking bacon; it’s no wonder Apollo would hide.

I think that’s why I found baking so calming when the pandemic began. I’ve gotten through that manic baking phase (thank goodness because my jeans were telling me it was time to move on) but I was pleased to find something to do in the kitchen that I found to be soothing. All that measuring and mixing gives me something to (hyper)focus on and I still get to eat at the end of it! 😊 I have to set the timer to remind me to get it out of the oven. Sometimes I have to set more than one timer in case I ignore the first one.

Timers and alarms and lists: they are my life. I send myself emails, some from work to home so I remember to do something at the house. Some from home to work if I remembered something in the evening or over the weekend that I need to get done at the office. The pest service is coming later this month and I’ll have to put a calendar event on my phone to make sure I remember to unlock the gate from the inside so the guy can get in the yard. It’s something that I used to get really frustrated about; it was another one of those things that is “not normal” about me that I thought I needed to fix. Really, though, it’s just a thing about me, a thing that makes me, me. There is nothing wrong with having ADHD. Or depression. Or anxiety. Or whatever it is you think is “wrong” with you. You just have to learn to manage it in a healthy way, like with counseling or medication or yoga or whatever works for you. The point is you manage it, and you ask for help when you need it. Like when someone reminds you to eat. Or when you have to pee, like now, and you should stop writing on your blog so you can go do that.

I write about my anxiety and depression not to seek sympathy or get attention or whatever you naysayers might believe; I write about it because if there is just ONE person out there who reads this and says “I am not alone and I can get help” and picks up a phone to call a therapist, a suicide hotline, or a trusted friend or family member then it’s entirely worth it to be vulnerable.