Stressed and Blessed

Merry Christmas! It’s down to the last week of this dreadful year we call 2020. And dreadful it has been. Not only has the pandemic been life-altering, whether minor: having routines turned inside out, learning to work in a new environment, being denied hugs - or major: losing jobs, losing families, being ill, but so many other things have happened this year. I hesitate to even use the word “other” because can “other” really describe racial injustices being exposed like never before and the incredible unrest that followed and still lingers, rightly so, today? Can “other” describe the unprecedented number of hurricanes, the Australian brushfires, the wildfires in the western US, the tornadoes right here in our backyard that devastated our neighbor’s homes and places of business, the volcanic eruptions in the Philippines, and the floods in Indonesia? I am quite sure I have forgotten a number of natural disasters from 2020 as well. On a personal note, I lost a lovely and kind friend that I met through rescue, to a sudden, deadly heart attack and my dear best friend from high school, with whom I lost touch but thought of often, also lost her life unexpectedly. Kelly lost her precious Duncan, who, although he wasn’t “mine”, he lived under my roof and in my heart. Additionally, we received some terrible news about a close family member who is facing a long and arduous battle in the coming months, the impacts of which will ripple through our family like crashing waves in the most fierce of storms.

Gosh, that was super depressing. I mean, this year has sucked. Hard. But….

I remain grateful. As terrifying and sad and painful as this year has been, it’s been a year of learning so very much, so many hard lessons, so many easy lessons which I never took the time to learn.

First, I am so grateful for my job. Yes, it’s a job, and, yes, there are days when slapping people around seems the best and most fitting way to handle things (but I don’t). But truly, I am so blessed to work for a company run by people who care for their people, first and foremost. The way they have handled this pandemic has been graceful, fair, tactful, and with the physical and mental health of their employees at the forefront of their thoughts, policies, and processes. I truly couldn’t ask for more supportive coworkers and supervisors. Truthfully, at the beginning of this year I had some very mixed feelings about my place of employment, where it seemed the only constant was change. However, at the beginning of the pandemic, and then through the emotional upheaval that I began experiencing shortly thereafter, I was reminded why I have been with this company for eight years.

Second, I was reminded that family and friends are everything, and I mean everything. Not being able to interact with loved ones in normal ways…wow, painful doesn’t begin to describe it. My people are my life, my breath, my heart. I don’t think there is a way to elaborate on that. As wordy as I am, well, what else can I say?

Also, I was surprised to learn things about myself; things that I always thought were truths were, well, not. I always saw myself as more of an introvert. Truth be told, when the pandemic started, I was stoked! Stay at home with the dogs, don’t put on makeup, wear my pajamas and my yoga pants everyday. Yes, please! Then I started to seriously lose my shit. I cried a LOT. Connecting with people was way more important to me than I ever thought. I learned the term “ambivert” and realized, with astonishment, that the black and white world of introverts and extroverts had a, GASP!, gray area where people like me live. A gray area. A GRAY AREA. Mind. Blown. Turns out I do like people. I like MY people. I still need time to be alone and internalize and decompress, but the aforementioned people - those family and friends who are my everything - I actually NEED them. It’s hard for me to rely on other people. It’s hard for me to ask for help. I mean, I can’t say that I am better at these things than I used to be, but I can say that I am trying to be. Expressing myself, expressing my truest, deepest emotions, is like really, really hard. I am an emotional person but most people only see the surface. I feel deeply, painfully, heartfully, and BIG. I hope, more than anything, that I can continue the biggest and most important thing that this year has taught me, and that is to feel. To feel and connect, and love and be afraid and be sad and be gloriously, uninhibitedly HAPPY.

There is so much MORE. This year has been MORE. More everything! But, in the interest of expressing my true feelings, I am tired and I am feeling very emotional after writing this. And I need to go lose myself in a book about murder. Hmmm…maybe there are a few things I should still keep to myself. Ah, hell with it. I read about murder to relax.

Yep.

Merry Christmas!