Vacation Anxiety (Yep, you read that right!)

Vacation: getting away from it all and playing all day.  Such a joy!  And, for people like me, the vacation is even more well-deserved by the time we get there.  Being an obsessive-compulsive perfectionist planner (OCPP!) is TOUGH.  I do it to myself, but I can’t seem to stop, even after a decade of therapy. At least I don’t actually pack my suitcase a month in advance anymore: PROGRESS.

Before leaving for a vacation, I have a list of must-do’s that would make the average person never want to go on vacation.  For me, it’s all I know. Right now, it’s one month until I leave for vacation and the vacation nightmares have begun.  Last night I dreamed the only thing I packed was the formal dress I was planning on taking on the cruise-that-didn’t-happen back in May. Swimming in that was not easy, even in my dream.

I guess the first thing you need to know about is the extensive pre-vacation checklist:

1.       Make a very detailed packing list.

a.       Pair together outfits to include shoes and jewelry.

b.       Outfits should all coordinate with the same color shoes so only one pair needs to be packed (except, of course, the beach/pool shoes, the tennies, and the 2 other pairs I will take just because it seems like packing two and wearing one could not possibly be enough.)

c.       Count out enough underwear for two pairs a day and then add about five more to the count for good measure.  (I ran out of clean underwear on a trip in 1999 and the underwear anxiety has been a huge problem since.)

d.       Count out enough socks for one pair per day to wear with the tennies that will probably never actually be on my feet. 

2.       Check health & beauty bag for content and list out things to purchase that may be missing. Check the bag about five more times before actually packing it.  Pack it.  Take it out of the packing, check it again and repack it. 

3.       Rewrite packing list.

4.       Keep a budget with a per diem for food, an estimated number of gas stops, souvenirs, dog sitting fees, pre-vacation beauty treatments (haircut & pedicure!), car repairs and prep (oil change & car wash!), accommodations, and any pre-vacation products like foods, paper towels, napkins, etc.)  Review the budget countless times for no reason. 

5.       Rewrite packing list.

6.       Make instruction sheet for dog sitter. Revise at least five times.

7.       Be sure there is enough dog food as well as make double batches of the dogs’ vegetable mixes and set out cans in case the vegetables run out before the vacation is up. 

8.       Rewrite packing list.

9.       Portion dogs’ food into baggies by day by dog for the whole trip.

10.   Rewrite packing list.

11.   Clean entire house top to bottom, change sheets, leave fresh towels

12.   Rewrite packing list.

13.   Rewrite packing list.

14.   Rewrite packing list.

Now I finally get to pack and leave. Are you stressed out by my list?  Imagine living it! 

I know it sounds like I have a screw loose (or maybe the whole damn toolbox has left the building) but this is the mind of anxiety, or at least my anxiety. Everyone who lives with an anxiety disorder does so differently. When I read this, I realize it’s irrational but, like I said, it is what it is. I have learned to deal with it as well as I can.

While I write this tongue-in-cheek to give you a chuckle, know that this is pretty close to my reality. One of my coping mechanisms is to poke fun at my incredibly complicated general anxiety disorder. That’s not because I think it’s funny to struggle with mental illness, but because years of therapy have given me the ability to see it from another’s perspective, acknowledge the unbelievable complexity of emotions that get tangled in with the most simple of tasks, chuckle, and do it all anyway! Just as I pick my battles in relationships with others, I pick the things to battle in my relationship with myself. Not being able to try a new activity, go shopping alone, talk to a new person: those are the things I work on changing. If I have to make 22 packing lists before vacation, well, it’s just not worth the energy to fight it.

I write about my anxiety and depression not to seek sympathy or get attention or whatever you naysayers might believe; I write about it because if there is just ONE person out there who reads this and says “I am not alone and I can get help” and picks up a phone to call a therapist, a suicide hotline, or a trusted friend or family member then it’s entirely worth it to be vulnerable.