It Ain’t Over
It’s been a year, 2021, hasn’t it? And, while we can see the finish line, we’re not quite there yet. A lot can happen in a few weeks. In my case, yet more changes are planned and, boy howdy, my anxiety has yet another chance to celebrate this year.
Although unintentional, my word for 2021 ended up being “anxiety”. I think I started out with “hope” or something. Clearly, the word didn’t stick since I can’t even remember it! No matter the good, bad, or ugly, it ALL caused me anxiety this year.
I started the year with a very close family member having a very serious surgery. The “C” word had come along and wrecked the lives of many of those I love. It was a tumultuous few months of being scared, relieved, scared again, panicked, cynical, followed by more scared, and then, finally hope. Even the hope is mixed with a little fear, and I suppose that’s the song that will play continuously for months or years to come.
As if that’s not enough, another very close family member had a serious surgery early this summer and continues to battle chronic health conditions that doctors haven’t been able to help with thus far. Again, there is hope, but it’s frustrating and tiring for all those that love this person.
A coworker I am close to dealt with a lot of loss this year. She lost three people very close to her within eight months. I truly don’t know how she’s still standing. I am continuously torn between feeling such deep empathy for her and feeling guilty for being relieved it’s not me in her shoes. Her situation is unbearably painful and it’s one I feared I was going to be in several times this year. While I am thankful that I am not, I have seen a small glimpse of my possible future…hopefully distant future, but we never can tell, can we?
It hasn’t been all sad this year for me, but even the happy and exciting things notched up my anxiety-meter to levels that left me feeling edgy, tired, irritable, and touchy. Once again, I found myself so thankful for the power of counseling and the ability for medication to take a little madness out of the situations I was facing.
Part of my year was spent renovating my first house, getting it ready to sell. Let me clarify. I, myself, was not renovating. I wanted the house to still be standing at the end of it all. I hired someone to do it all for me, mainly Fernando, who has truly been a blessing. He fixed my back porch a few years back and I thought I had lost his info. After some digging, I found what I thought was his number and texted it, hoping it wasn’t the number of some weird guy I might have met in a bar in my younger days. Thankfully it was Fernando. He spent about two months at my house nearly every day. Since I was mostly working from home, I got to see the transformation as it was happening. It was nothing short of incredible. My home with the badly scratched baseboards, holes in the drywall courtesy of a little gray doggie, and worn and tired flooring, became quite the showstopper.
All that was good, but there was so much turmoil that came with it. First, the purging. Oh, the purging. Before Fernando went from room to room, so did we, boxes and garbage bags in hand. After 13 years, the “stuff” had piled up. I lost count of how many times I said, “why did I keep this?”. The local thrift store, Miracle Hill Ministries, was practically fully stocked by the Great Purge of The 106 of 2021. For every five things that were easy to pitch or donate, there was one thing that elicited deep emotions, most of which I hadn’t tapped into in quite some time. The belt buckles from my Pap Pap, the doll clothes made by my Grandma, the bell I got for my Gram from some long-ago trip, the dance awards, the old collars from Apollo and Phoebe. I had to do a lot of letting go both physically and mentally. Couple that with my entire house being turned upside down and inside out and my entire spring and summer were an exercise in anxiety control (or sometimes not-control!)
After the reno, came the listing and sale and then the buying process. None of these did anything good for my psyche. Creekpoint sold quickly, which was great, but then I didn’t have anywhere to go. After SO. MUCH. LOOKING, we found the right house to buy and two days later the contract on Creekpoint fell through. So now we had a house on the line we couldn’t afford because the other hadn’t sold. There was a serious depression for a few days thinking that the house I finally fell in love with wasn’t going to be mine. The roller coaster was not one of the ones that I could ride with my hands thrown in the air screaming and laughing.
Moving is stressful. Zero stars. Do not recommend. But it’s also great to be in a home more open and with a layout more conducive to entertaining. In the end, now that we’re moved, it was worth it. It just took a while to get to that feeling. Next time, I am going to do it like they do on HGTV and have someone else do all the renovating, moving, and decorating. Kidding. I am not a butterfly farmer who also names the clouds in the sky for a career with a two-million-dollar budget! For now, though, and for the foreseeable future, I am going to enjoy this beautiful new home!
Now, after 21 months of mostly working from home, we are returning to the office. Last week was the first week back. Fortunately, my bosses are very understanding of my anxiety issues. I am being allowed to ease in to coming back. I am very, very fortunate and I realize that. But, again, still anxious. Sigh. I have the full support of my therapist, who has coached me on my return strategy and offered to write me a letter for HR if needed explaining my diagnosed anxiety and the measures we are taking to get me back full time. I did better these last two weeks than I expected I would, but I was also grateful to get to work from home when I needed a mental and emotional break.
It’s not all bad. It’s not all good. It’s life and I am living it the best I know how with a solid backing of family and friends, a great job, a new and beautiful home. Getting back to the office full time will be a challenge, but I will get through it. I sure will miss my favorite coworkers though. If ever there was a cure for all the things that ail you, it is a softly snoring rescue pet who is experiencing love and safety after starting their lives with trauma and fear. If only they could join me at the office….
